Difficult conversations

It may feel like there is never a good time, but try and start the conversation when you aren’t feeling too emotional so you can calmly explain your concerns. Conversations when you are busy doing something else (but nothing important!) can be helpful so they don’t feel so embarrassed or pressured.

Tell your young person they shouldn’t ever feel pressured into doing anything if they don’t want to, and that they should never do it just because other people are. Above all, let them know that you are there to talk to them if they have any questions, worries or concerns. Explain that although initially you may be angry or scared by what they tell you, you will look at a plan together and you won’t just leap ahead into action without their input. When trust is broken, or repeatedly broken, then closer monitoring or restriction of freedom is the only way you have as a parent to show that you care enough to hang on in there until some learning has taken place. Try to gradually give your teens opportunities for them to show you that they can be trusted and make encouraging remarks when all goes well. If you set a boundary or make a promise you must stick to it. Trust is two way – the more trustworthy you are, the more trustworthy your young person is likely to be.

There’s every chance they’ll find this conversation awkward or unpleasant, (as will you). But knowing you’re there to help if they need it can be a big comfort and decide they need it. Besides, any information or advice you’re able to give can make all the difference when it comes to them making good decisions in the future. Try not to take things too personally, it may not be you they are angry with at all.

Don’t bully, blackmail or guilt trip your young person into doing what you want

If they do want to talk about things, make sure you listen to them. Even if what your young person has to say makes you feel uncomfortable or even disappointed, it’s important that they know they can say it to you. Reacting negatively is likely to make them cautious about being honest, so take them seriously and help them feel they can disclose things if they need to. If they don’t want to talk, you might like to suggest looking at one of the services later in the booklet so that they can talk to a professional. Create trust by learning to listen, be ready to discuss without judging and sometimes make allowance for them getting it wrong. This means not saying “I told you so” but listening to what they have learned from their experiences. Be prepared to listen carefully to what your young person has to say. Try to start from a position where you understand and can show that you have understood. You may not agree but listening shows respect for their point of view

Try to encourage and invite discussion, without it sounding as though you are laying down yet more rules. Try to use sentences that begin with:

• I wonder if … 
• Have you thought about …
• I find that …
• Would it be a good idea if we …
• I worry about …

Showing your young person how to negotiate, present their point of view respectfully and come to an agreement is a vital life skill. Don’t miss the opportunity to teach them how to do this at home. Look at compromises so that you both come away from the conversation feeling listened to and respected. Be aware of the language you use, try and find appropriate words to describe how you are feeling. Are you frustrated, annoyed, stressed, unhappy, irritated, wound up or let down? It can be much easier to explain how you feel if you can use the right words.

It’s a myth that you just need to have one ‘big talk’ with your young person when it comes to difficult conversations.

Helping them to feel that their thoughts and actions are not a taboo subject – that they can bring them up without it being a big deal – can be a great comfort, and help them to feel they have someone to turn to if they do get stuck. This doesn’t mean awkwardly shoehorning the topic into your conversations, but simply checking in from time to time and letting them know they don’t need to be embarrassed if they do want to talk.